it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
third nipple confirmed
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
