My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
it's like heaven, but drunker
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
