tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
