too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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