I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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