I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
