Awesome. Ask her out.
Nope. She's got a detail of ed hardy security around her.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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