i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
