Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize