He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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