He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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