First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
