If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
