my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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