Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
