My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Randomize
