I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
