i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
