Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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