So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
