allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
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