so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
