I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize