Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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