i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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