My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
