Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize