I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
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