There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
