My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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