i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
