Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
