i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
