dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
