first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
