Don't make out with my wife yet
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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