so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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