just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
