Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
