My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
