sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
