You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
