shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
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