Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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