either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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