this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Randomize
