you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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