I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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