Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
