I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
