I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
