Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
You smell like stripper and shame
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
We had to coat check the pizza.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
