Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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