Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
you win again, gameday.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
