Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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