he puts the penis in happiness.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
