I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
