hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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