At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
