I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
