if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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