What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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