my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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