Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
