Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
