Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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