can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Acid is not a monday night drug
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
