just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
