Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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